"it's only fear that makes you run." --melissa etheridge
i don't feel like changing EVERY SINGLE journal link on my site just yet. so this will have to do for now.
| Would you rather be an African elephant or an Asian elephant? Why?: | Um, Asian. B/c I'd be cool. |
| Would you rather freeze to death or burn alive? Why?: | burn alive. i hate the cold. |
| Name three movies you like: | SLC Punk, American History X, Rocky Horror Picture Show |
| Name three books you like: | Memoir of a Russian Punk, Mein Kampf, Wasteland |
| Have you ever fallen in love with a fictional character? Which one(s)? Why?: | a couple. Stevo and Mike from SLC Punk, Derek f/American History X, and Magenta f/Rocky Horror Picture Show |
| Republican, Democrat or other? Why?: | NONE AHHHHHHH FUCK ALL OF THAT! asldghasldf |
| Attendance percentage at high school dances?: | i only do homecoming, and i've yet to do prom but i'll do that. those are the only ones, and only b/c i rather like dressing up every once in a while. |
| What television shows do you watch regularly?: | none. i haven't actually sat down and watched tv in a long time |
| Abortion is...: | your own choice. i don't discriminate against the idea, but i dont think i could do it. idk, depends on the situation really. |
| The death penalty is...: | ha. i'm neutral on this subject. i think that it's a good idea for really hardon criminals, but i think that we should be 100% of their guiltiness before subjecting them to it |
| How do you take your coffee?: | with a lot of cream and sugar. like i like my women. ha. |
| How do you take your tea?: | um... on the rare occasion that i drink it, i usually put sugar and honey. it's good. |
| Who's your favorite teacher/professor?: | mrs heckelman f/shreve last year. she was the best damn teacher in the world. |
| How do you feel about your parents?: | mine are okay but i'd like 'em more if they weren't mine. |
| What sort of music do you listen to?: | punk mostly |
| List five or ten bands you listen to.: | thats a large range. stockholm syndrome, the clash, the cure, HIM, afi, new york dolls, the suicide machines, the velvet underground, the ramones... |
| Do you use public transportation?: | i would if i had money. ha. |
| Ever told someone you love him/her?: | yeah |
| Morning person, night person or both?: | nightttttttt. i HATE the mornings. and i hate daytime. fuck it all. i wish it was night 24/7 |
| Siblings?: | baby brother  |
| What are your friends like?: | idk. they're alllll different. only a couple are really anything like me though. |
| Amusement parks are?: | fun as fuck! dude those are the shit. |
| Cafeterias are?: | awful. sometimes i think i see their food moving. |
| Dogs are?: | good pets, b/c when you want to play with them, they'll play with you, but when you want them to leave you alone, they get the picture. unlike cats. |
| Any phobias, traumas or other weirdnesses?: | ha! i'm terrified of clowns, needles, spiders, water. i don't have time to explain my weirdnesses. |
...actually it was on the counter in the bathroom. I felt very OCD a few minutes ago. I went in the bathroom to pee, lovely I know, and I saw that on Friday when I gelled my hair, I left the cap open. It was open yesterday too, and I didn't care. But tonight... it really upset me, seeing it left open. I closed it and threw it on the floor, I was so mad. Bah... I don't really know what to make of that.
Tonight was Shreve and Magnet's prom. Audra and Jeremy and I went to IHOP a little bit before Briana and her prom crew were gonna be up there, to meet up with us. And when they got there, they had so many people... I became terrified of them, much like I did that day at school when I had my panic attack, and I couldn't take it. I started moving back and forth and shaking a little. Briana knew I was having an attack; she knows what to look for in them by now I guess. Jeremy had to go outside anyway to meet a friend so he could show off his cold air intake on his car, so Bria asked if I wanted to go outside too, and I did, and Audra did too, and I wanted to leave. So we left.
Hence my sudden OCD with the gel cap, I suppose.
"Without you all I do is sit and think about you." --Jack Off Jill. That quote reminds me of Bob. I miss him more than I'd like to. *sigh* I knew it would be ill-fated. I should've known I wouldn't get over him as easily as I would have liked to.
I don't feel like writing anymore. This is annoying.
"I seem to recall us knocking on YOUR door."
"Oh yes. And I seem to recall.. breaking your face."
--Detective Mills(Brad Pitt) and John Doe(Kevin Spacey), from Seven.
I love that movie with such a burning passion. The ending is quite possibly the best part though, the last lines delivered by Morgan Freeman. He says, "Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part." And there ends the movie.
Today has been a good day, I suppose. I haven't slept in 2 or 3 days, but hey, I catch up on my sleep during Spanish anyway. 
I'm getting over the whole Bob thing pretty well I guess... not dwelling on it all day and night is helping out. He imed me last night, to tell me he got a job. I'm happy for him, it's good for him that he did. I'd love to remain friends with him and on speaking terms, but I'm afraid I'll hang onto my love for him too much if I do. The more I talk to him, the more I fall back in love with him, but the less I talk to him, the more I MISS our "love," if that's what you want to call it, b/c I'm not so sure that he would call it that anymore with what he told me the other day. *sigh* I don't know anymore. I like Jeff, and things are going well with us so far. I'm fairly sure we're on the right track for a relationship. I'm not trying to use Jeff as a way to get over Bob, I'm really not, I do like Jeff. Audra told me tonight that he and I look very cute together. I love his personality.. he's very funny, and often very sullen and somber, but not in a depressed way *although I do believe he is rather depressed*, in just a sort of quiet way. He's one of those people that doesn't talk very much, but when he does, he'll either say something extremely interesting, or extremely funny. And he's so adorable, and he thinks he's so completely ugly and so.. well, lacking personality, I think. But he's not. He has a great personality. Yes, he can be somewhat of a.. well.. typical guy at times, but not so much anymore really. At least not that I've noticed, possibly because he's always super-sweet to me nowdays. I don't deserve most of the sweetness he radiates out at me, but I can't complain, it's nice to have someone be sweet to me and it not be fake. I mean, no one else has really done that except for Maggie *of course, she's sweet to everyone* and Justine really. And Briana of course, but that's a rather new sweetness as well, like Jeff's.
I appreciate Justine's sweetness more than anyone else's though. Maggie's is an understood appreciation, because she doesn't have a mean bone in her body, without a doubt. She wouldn't know how to be anything other than sweet if she wanted to. But Justine doesn't have to be sweet, she could be as cruel as she wanted to be. But she's not. She appreciates me, my writing, my so-called "beauty," that she thinks radiates out of me, apparently. *sigh* I glow like a little girl every time she gives me a compliment on anything relating to myself. And when she gave me that painting she did of me... I just about died right there. It honestly brought tears to my eyes because I couldn't believe she'd taken the time to portray me on a canvas. And the blood stains on the walls attracted me greatly for some reason... and she even took the time to paint me holding a cigarette! Such perfection.
I'm so tired. My sleep-deprivation hit me all at once tonight at Victoria's and at IHOP. Oh well, you get used to it, what with all the medicine-switches and chemical-initiated nightmares and such.
I think I'll go now. I'm getting tired of writing.
Went to the doctor today. They put me on Paxil. I swear to you, it's like I'm a fucking lab rat that they're doing their experimenting on. If Paxil doesn't work, I think we're resorting to Prozac. Awesome. What the fuck ever, I'm tired of caring about this bullshit.
Poor Chris has gotten himself into some problems with the Bob situation, I'm afraid, because he tried to bitch him out for what he's done to me again, and it didn't really work out in his favor. I told him it was probably a bad idea, but hey.
Didn't go to school today. I was so depressed about last night that I couldn't get out of bed. I was afraid that if I tried to move, my heart would shatter right there on the spot. And it probably would have. *sigh*
It's been about 3 weeks since I've drank now. Three very long weeks, but I'll make it. Next I'll quit smoking, but not yet. I'm focusing on quitting one bad habit at a time right now. Besides, quitting drinking makes me need all the cigarettes I can get.
Jeff said it's hard for him to get used to being a nice guy, heh. I told him I'd make him be a nice guy all the time and not just when he's around me. He said if I could make him a nice SOBER guy, he'd buy me all the cigarettes I want. I can help him quit drinking if he lets me, but only if he does. It would be nice if he would quit drinking; I worry about him a lot because of his drinking and it's sad.
Anyway. Gotta run. The only good news for this week: I'm getting a new cell phone tomorrow.
<--that shows how fucking warped i feel.so. bob and i, whatever we had before, are apparently over. i'm going to let go officially i guess, because he wants me to. and, hey. i like jeff too. i mean, i love bob, and i always will. but this is the 3rd time he's done this to me. and... i can't take this. i have never contemplated my suicide so seriously before as i am now. and if i have, its been a LOOONG damn time since i have. check out our nice little chat.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:10 PM]: why couldn't you have just told me all that yourself.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:11 PM]: i mean, you didn't tell me that you were leaving again in august, so... how am i supposed to know that you didn't want any kind of a relationship now. you could have just told me.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:14 PM]: alright. well. whenever you're actually READY to tell me why you couldn't tell me yourself all of this stuff, please just let me know b/c until then i'll be sitting here wondering.
Sha bu tie22 [10:14 PM]: just let it go. seriously.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:14 PM]: let what go
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:14 PM]: let me & you go, or let whatever's bothering you go
Sha bu tie22 [10:15 PM]: I don't know
Sha bu tie22 [10:15 PM]: all of it
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:16 PM]: so you can sit there and say you love me and that you're gonna take care of me and that one day we're gonna be together again and i'll NEVER LOSE IT after that. and then tell me to just let go.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:17 PM]: you're the one that went nuts when i told tyler that i'm trying to move on b/c it hurts too much to hold onto you when you were gonna be going back to chicago like 2 days after that. and then you stay, so i'm thinking, hey awesome maybe i can FINALLY be with you again. and now you want me to let it go.
Sha bu tie22 [10:17 PM]: yeh well id on't know what I was thinking
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:18 PM]: this is the 3rd time you've done this to me, you realize that right? the 3rd time that you've said you love me and all this BULLSHIT, which is OBVIOUSLY all it has been, and then take it away just as quickly as you said it.
Sha bu tie22 [10:19 PM]: 3rd times a charge I guess
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:20 PM]: you told me you love me like 20 minutes ago.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:20 PM]: or did you just say that just to shut me the fuck up.
Sha bu tie22 [10:21 PM]: yeh
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:22 PM]: do you LIKE to practically KILL ME?
Sha bu tie22 [10:22 PM]: just drop it
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:24 PM]: no b/c i'm not the kind of person to drop things, unlike you. i actually have feelings, UNFORTUNATELY for me, apparently. i don't understand how you can sit there and say all that sweet shit that makes me feel like EVERYTHING is going to be okay again and that i'm going to get better again and then TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. you are nothing like what i thought you were and you are VERY QUICKLY turning into EVERY SINGLE OTHER GOD DAMN BOYFRIEND THAT I'VE HAD, LYING TO ME AND PLAYING ME LIKE THIS.
StOckHoLmPoEt [10:25 PM]: telling me you love me, to get me to shut up. telling me all this shit, for no reason. i will never understand.
that quote is from none other than the nazi bitch that is my mom. i ran into my father at target today and told him about my combined wellbutrin & zoloft and how high the dosages are now and he's with me, he disagrees. he thinks it's stupid to put me on the two at the same time b/c they have so many terrible side effects. boy do i know about those side effects.
last night i was online talking to jeremy and bobert and i was freaking out. i don't mean having a panic attack, i mean FREAKING OUT. i was hearing voices, shaking, i was weak, i hadn't slept in over 24 hours, my head was pounding, my vision was blurry, my skin was itching, my heartbeat was going way too fast, my muscles were all tensed up. and then jeremy discovered that most of those are side effects to either wellbutrin or zoloft or both. isn't that great? but to make it EVEN BETTER, when i told my mom about all this, last night and then jeremy's discoveries, she told me that since she didn't see it, she really doesn't believe me that much b/c of how much i hated the idea of more medicines, and that i have to keep taking the bullshit until she talks to my doctor. fuckingggggg bitchhhhhh. i told her that if she wants to go back to college this summer to finish her degrees she needs to learn how to listen to people b/c she doesn't listen to me. and she was like well you need to learn when to shut up. and i said, "mom, get your head out of your ass. i'll shut up when i think i need to."
and so went said conversation with mom. jeremy and michelle and everyone are at the lake right now, i was supposed to go but i was too tired b/c i hadn't slept. but i called jeremy a few minutes ago and told him about it and he seems kinda pissed that my mom's being such a douche bag and he's driving back here to shreveport to come get me and it takes like 30 minutes to get there. poor thing, i'm such a pain in his ass i'm sure. he offered to come get me, i didn't ask though. i'm still so tired... all this bullshit is wearing me out.
enough of this. time to go, the nazi bitch is calling me anyway.
I don't know what my obsession is with that damned Melissa Etheridge song lately. I sang it at karaoke in Jefferson when me & my aunt went there. But why did I sing it? I haven't heard that song in over a year, maybe even two! I hardly even remembered the words, I just followed along with the lyrics on the screen, which I RARELY have to do.
Oh well. Anyway, it's 5:19 in the morning. I haven't been to school since Tuesday morning. I had a panic attack at school on Tuesday on my way to math. I was terrified by everyone around me, people I see everyday, I became terrified of them. I felt like an idiot actually. I was convinced--no, more like paranoid--that they were all out to get me. I always feel like that. I always feel like the entire world is conspiring against me. Mel Gibson had a point in Conspiracy Theory; I'm with him. But anyway, now I'm on 450 MILLIGRAMS OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS!!! I'm OH SO TIRED of dealing with doctors and medicines and therapy. FUCK ALL OF IT! I'm gonna go kill myself.
FUCK ME RUNNING! You wanna know a song I'm obsessed with? I don't know if ANYONE has heard it, at least anyone that I'm friends with because it's definitely NOT their kind of music, but it's that DAMNED "Kiss the Rain" song by BILLIE FUCKING MYERS! Sorry, I just now figured out the chick's name that sings it. GOD it's such a beautiful fucking song. I'm gonna sing THAT at karaoke next time I go, god damnit. You know what, I'm sorry, but I absolutely HAVE to write out the lyrics to that song or else it will NEVER get out of my fucking head. Bear with me here, I'm sorry.
Hello? Can you hear me?
Am I getting through to you?
Hello--is it late there?
There's a laughter on the line,
Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm trying to explain:
Something's wrong,
You just don't sound the same.
Why don't you, why don't you
Go outside, go outside--
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me,
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long.
If your lips feel hungry and thirsty
Kiss the rain and wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind we're under the same sky
And the night's as empty for me as for you.
If you feel you can't wait till morning,
Kiss the rain, kiss the rain, kiss the rain...
Hello? Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do,
But not the way I'm missing you.
What's new? How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cuz you're so close
But it seems like you're so far,
So would it mean anything
If you knew what I'm left imagining?
In my mind, in my mind,
Would you go, would you go,
Kiss the rain?
And you'd fall
Over me--
Think of me
Think of me
Only me--
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long.
If your lips feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain and wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind we're under the same sky
And the night's as empty for me as for you.
If you feel you can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain, kiss the rain--
Kiss the rain.......kiss the rain.
Hello? Can you hear me?
GOD what a great song. *sigh* I wish I had it on a CD or something so I could listen to it. Bah. I'm so so so so so SO hungry right now but I'm too lazy to get up and get something to eat.
I'm quitting drinking, I want the entire world to know. Bob wants me to quit smoking and I told him that I'm quitting drinking and that's enough for now. I do smoke too much, I was on the phone with him earlier and was coughing up a lung or some crazy shit. Bah.
Okay. I'm actually getting tired. HA! I forgot to add. I'm reading Mein Kampf. Isn't that great? Take that you jewish nazis! No offense, Bri, lol, hey I'm Jewish...and German... it's funny how that works out. I'm a German Jew! HOLY SHIT I'm a Jewish Nazi! WTF oh this sucks. Actually no it doesn't it kinda rocks. It's funny. Awesome. Okay I'm going to go lay down and watch my movie, Molven Callar, and I'm sure NONE of you have heard of it. Except maybe Emily. G'nite all.
Friday night, seeing Bob, went so well. It was so great... it felt like we were together again. The holding hands, kissing, hugging, all that good stuff. I felt alive. I felt like I could have done anything. I even told him that; I told him I felt like I could fly right then if I tried to.
Did that all end just now? It may have. We just got in an argument... if that's what you want to call it, anyway. He admitted that he does love me, but that I'm being naive--"hoping for the impossible," he said. He also said something about how could we work out if we live halfway across the country, and that maybe one day it would, but that he wasn't about to throw his life away just b/c I don't want him to be there and I want him to be HERE.
Why does he think I want him to throw his life away? Fuck... I'd be willing to throw my OWN life away before I let him even THINK about throwing HIS away.
I asked him why I suddenly feel like I'm about to lose him forever. And he said he didn't know how to answer that.... Wonderful. Which means that it's possible that I will. And I told him he doesn't have to see me for the rest of the time he's here, if he doesn't want to. And he didn't respond. He said he was tired, and he said goodnight, and signed off. He always says I love you. He didn't... *sigh*... I fucked it up again.
I always do.
I want to cry right now. But my tears are all dried up from this stupid breakdown I had earlier on today at my house for no reason, and even if they WEREN'T dried up, I wouldn't let myself cry, because Michelle is asleep like four feet behind me, and I don't want to bother her.
He'll never understand. He thinks I'm being naive, but... *sigh* ... I honestly think he's the one that's naive in some respects, because he doesn't understand the extent to which I love him and need him in my life again. He is... my world. And maybe I will love again, if me and him really do never work out again. But I don't think it will ever be the same.
Even Holly said she could tell that I was the happiest during the few short weeks I was dating him. And I know it was obvious. I always had that weird "in-love" glow when I was with him. That was so long ago... but I can still remember every single bit of it.
I wrote a new poem about him, and about that naivety he thinks portrays me so well. I'm not naive. I'm just a dreamer, I guess. Just hopeful... just fantasizing.
Just in love.
Sami.
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