Friday night, seeing Bob, went so well. It was so great... it felt like we were together again. The holding hands, kissing, hugging, all that good stuff. I felt alive. I felt like I could have done anything. I even told him that; I told him I felt like I could fly right then if I tried to.

Did that all end just now? It may have. We just got in an argument... if that's what you want to call it, anyway. He admitted that he does love me, but that I'm being naive--"hoping for the impossible," he said. He also said something about how could we work out if we live halfway across the country, and that maybe one day it would, but that he wasn't about to throw his life away just b/c I don't want him to be there and I want him to be HERE.

Why does he think I want him to throw his life away? Fuck... I'd be willing to throw my OWN life away before I let him even THINK about throwing HIS away.

I asked him why I suddenly feel like I'm about to lose him forever. And he said he didn't know how to answer that.... Wonderful. Which means that it's possible that I will. And I told him he doesn't have to see me for the rest of the time he's here, if he doesn't want to. And he didn't respond. He said he was tired, and he said goodnight, and signed off. He always says I love you. He didn't... *sigh*... I fucked it up again.

I always do.

I want to cry right now. But my tears are all dried up from this stupid breakdown I had earlier on today at my house for no reason, and even if they WEREN'T dried up, I wouldn't let myself cry, because Michelle is asleep like four feet behind me, and I don't want to bother her.

He'll never understand. He thinks I'm being naive, but... *sigh* ... I honestly think he's the one that's naive in some respects, because he doesn't understand the extent to which I love him and need him in my life again. He is... my world. And maybe I will love again, if me and him really do never work out again. But I don't think it will ever be the same.

Even Holly said she could tell that I was the happiest during the few short weeks I was dating him. And I know it was obvious. I always had that weird "in-love" glow when I was with him. That was so long ago... but I can still remember every single bit of it.

I wrote a new poem about him, and about that naivety he thinks portrays me so well. I'm not naive. I'm just a dreamer, I guess. Just hopeful... just fantasizing.

Just in love.

Sami.

I know exactly how you feel, sweetie.. I've told you about Scottie, haven't I? My love that lives in North Carolina.. The love that when I talk to people about, they think I am crazy (and naive) because I have never even met him. But I think your Bobert is just afraid of how much he truly cares about you.. He's probably afraid that if he admits to himself that he's still in love with you, that it'll hurt that much more when he has to leave again. But distance shouldn't matter much - love is a powerful thing, and it tends to transcend even the most difficult obstacles. Never let go of this feeling Sami - many people live their lives trying to find this kind of love, and many die without ever having been able to experience the beauty of it.